


What you really want

by Sketchione



Series: Galar, the Great and Wonderful [4]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst, Business, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Secret Relationship, Talk Shows, Television
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21533665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sketchione/pseuds/Sketchione
Summary: After an incident on live television Sonia confronts Nessa about what she really wants in life, and from her.Nessa doesn't have the answers.
Relationships: Rurina | Nessa/Sonia
Series: Galar, the Great and Wonderful [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570714
Comments: 9
Kudos: 130





	What you really want

“Nessa, let me in! What is wrong with you?!”

The water type specialist jumped slightly at the sharp knocking her front door was emitting.

“I know you’re in there! Come out this instant!!” Another fit of knocking, as if the door itself was trying to get her attention. Sighing, Nessa put down her magazine and consoled herself that it wasn’t an unexpected development. In hindsight it maybe wasn’t the best idea to keep what she had said to herself until it was too late. Arising from the armchair, she took the two and a half strides necessary to reach her front door. She didn’t need to look through the peep hole to know who it was, she had ears.

_Delicate ears thank you very much!_

She looked through it anyway. It was her. She knew it was but still…with a sickening feeling Nessa realised she wasn’t ready to face her. A small part of her in the back of her head had been trying to prepare ever since she’d made the announcement but it was the same as trying to build a sandcastle one grain at a time. A hopeless endeavour.

_You’re a damn coward, you didn’t even tell her in advance the least you can do is speak to her in person. This was for the best. Her good._

The more Nessa repeated it to herself did she start to doubt what she was saying. Resting her forehead gently on the door and feeling the now frantic knocking bore into her mind. She didn’t mind that it hurt slightly, she knew the door would hold. Expensive, just like most of the stuff she owned.

_Coward. Just open it._

Nessa did, and no sooner had she done so did it slam open to reveal Sonia, clearly fuming beyond what her normal personality could ever hope to muster. Always so airy and light, her green eyes creased and scowling. She pushed past the gym leader, not even acknowledging her, and plopped herself down on the couch. Nessa wondered if sitting on her magazines was part of the plan.

“Please, come in,” Nessa said dryly.

“Oh don’t give me that!” Sonia wasn’t looking at her, instead gaze fixed dead ahead with her arms folded. Nessa internally recoiled but made sure to let nothing show. She was _definitely_ not happy. Nessa also noted her friend’s hair wasn’t done up in its usual way. It was messy, tangled even.

“You came here in a hurry?” She said, trying to keep her voice as level as she could.

“Uhhh, yes? Of course I did!” Sonia shot her a look like she was genuinely stupid and Nessa could feel her calm façade crack ever so slightly more. Her heart was beginning to beat faster than she would have liked but thinking about it just reinforced it further. A vicious cycle.

“I was going to tell you…”

“Like hell you were!” Sonia articulated, cutting her off with a sweeping hand gesture. “Instead you decided to tell _everyone one in the Galar region on LIVE TELEVISION._ ” Her voice nearly a growl by the end of her sentence, Nessa quickly shut the door, eager to contain whatever damage was going to happen.

There was going to be damage, she’d accepted that now. Everything about her friend’s demeanour suggested what she’d done earlier that day couldn’t just be brushed off and swept under her designer Primarina rug.

“I didn’t have a choice,” she stated. “I’d hoped you would have understood.”

“Understood? Understood?!” Sonia leapt back off of the sofa with a considerable amount of force, sending the magazines tumbling. Jamming a finger directly into the gym leaders chest, the professor’s assistant met her gaze. “Of course I understand that you’ve been taking crazy pills from somewhere or everything I thought I knew about you is a lie! That everything _we_ did the past 2 years was a lie too.”

With each sentence the finger was jabbed further between her ribs and Nessa dearly wished she wasn’t wearing her normal gym outfit. No fabric to soften the blows, just cold hard reality.

“Are we a lie, Nessa? Am…” Sonia faltered slightly. “Am I a lie? To you?” Nessa caught the assistant’s hand before the next jab came, withholding it away from her chest.

“Please stop poking me.” It was barely perceptible but Sonia waited before wrenching her hand back.

“Fine, whatever.” She stomped back over to the couch but didn’t sit, turning her back to the other girl. “Sorry about the magazines.”

“No you’re not.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s…fair.”

“…”

“…”

“…Why did you do it? You could have just not answered the question, you know?”

“I had to.”

“You didn’t.” Sonia’s voice was a far cry from the bravado Nessa had been experiencing so far. Smaller, less threatening, but still burning underneath. Nessa didn’t know which she preferred. Cold anger or barely contained fury.

“I…I’m sorry. I guess.”

“You’re sorry”, Sonia stated flatly. The delivery was flat enough to make a Stunfisk jealous. “You’re sorry for telling everyone we know and everyone we don’t that I don’t matter to you?”

“That’s isn’t what I said.”

“Sure.”

Nessa hadn’t ever felt unwelcome in her own home before. It was cold, empty, soulless even. She decided she didn’t like it very much, but couldn’t understand why she was feeling like that. She’d done the right thing, hadn’t she? It made sense and it was what everyone wanted from her? Expected from her as a popular model and gym leader? It was all logical and she wasn’t just a pretty face. So why were her friend’s words so cutting?

“Look…I…”

“I know that tone, _Nessy,_ but save it. I know _you._ Don’t try and rationalise it to fit your view of the world.” Nessa resisted the urge to flinch. Using her pet name in such a way did genuinely hurt. Closing her eyes Nessa took a deep breath and held it, enjoying the sensation. She let it out slowly and snapped her eyes open. A new perspective.

“I’m making tea. Do you want some.”

“No, I want answers.”

Nessa made her way to the kitchen, ignoring her friend.

“I’m making tea.”

“…” No response was good enough, and she used the couple of minutes it took to boil her kettle to tidy the counter. Feeling Sonia’s gaze boring into her back wasn’t the best feeling, and again Nessa felt genuinely unwelcome in the place she called home.

_She just doesn’t understand. Once I explain…everything will be fine._

Nessa set her cup and saucer down on her side table and took back the armchair. A second cup and saucer was set on the coffee table in front of the still standing Sonia but she ignored it. She hadn’t budged in the time it had taken to brew her cup.

“That interview was a set up,” she blurted out. Sonia turned slightly but made no move to sit.

“Was it now?”

“It was.” Nessa stirred her tea, placing the spoon down onto the delicate china. Milk and two sugars, just how Sonia always made it for her.

“You know I’m inclined to not believe that’s the whole truth. You’re great at putting on a show and hiding things from people…”

 _But not from me._ They both thought. It was true, Nessa had always been able to relax from prim and proper persona on stage around the other girl. While she still liked to be prim and proper it was more of a natural neatness to herself that wasn’t often seen.

“You’ve been acting shiftier than a Shiftry ever since I got here so I know there’s more.”

“It was…it wasn’t something I really wanted to go ahead.”

“And you also love giving interviews and showing off.” Sonia turned to face the gym leader but it took Nessa longer than she would have liked to realise she had been crying. Silently. She did her best to ignore it and stirred her tea again. A pointless activity but her nerves were starting to flare again. “You’re only the second ranked gym leader but you’re always top of the popularity polls. No amount of selfies from Raihan will stop you being the most idolised person in the whole of Galar, you know. Bs you don’t like interviews.”

“This one was different. It was forced.”

“By who?” Nessa sighed.

“Who do you think?”

“I don’t _know_ Nessa!” She flinched again. Sonia always did have a shrill voice when she got mad. “Help me understand why you said all those things. Help me understand how I’ve clearly got it all wrong about what we are.”

“There…” Nessa swallowed. “There isn’t a we, Sonia.” If looks could kill she’d have been disintegrated on the spot. Ashes blown away in the wind and all.

“Are you…are you _ASHA_ _MED_ of us? Of me?” Nessa looked away, neither Sonia nor her cup giving her any respite. Sonia took a step back, boot clicking on the floor with a sharp crack. “You are. After all this time you’re ashamed…”

“I…” Nessa’s plans crumbled. She didn’t have a rebuttal to give.

“So I’m just a fancy secret you can just whip out when we’re alone and stuff back in your non-existent pockets when in public? We’ve never been subtle before so what’s so different now?” Sonia tried to blink the new tears back but it wasn’t happening. It just made her so angry to think this was how everything was going.

When she’d woken up that morning it had been just another normal day. A normal, normal day like the most normal thing that was normally possible. Get dressed, run errands for the professor, have lunch, help Milo catch the Wooloo that had escaped again, and then sit down for a rest in front of the TV.

That’s when she’d caught the tail end of an interview on Galar’s prime daytime TV station between the water type gym leader and the talk show host. Of course the crowd was wild and packed beyond capacity, Nessa was an icon, an idol really. It wasn’t everyday she just gave interviews like that.

It also wasn’t everyday she talked about herself personally either, instead usually choosing to promote yet another makeup line or swimwear show. People bought anything that passed her lips in spades so it made perfect sense. Yet this, details about her life were usually outside the public eye so for this to be happening…just about everyone in Galar with a TV or Rotom phone was watching. That’s what made what she’s said hurt so much more.

 _‘So, Nessa, of course we’re all waiting for you to spill the beans on the latest gossip. Do tell!’_ Nessa had thrown her head back in that oh so fake talk show manner, pretending to be enthralled by the question.

_‘Oh, Miles, you do know how to make a girl laugh! I have soooo much gossip about me you’ll just have to be more specific.’_

_‘And rightly so, most popular gym leader for the 17 th time in a row!’ _The audience had gone wild, ravenous even. She was their drug and they needed the fix. _‘Rumour has it that you have a special someone, no? Someone you value above all else and love to spend time with? Walks on the beach? Late night movies? Dances under the moonlight?’_ The host had looked left and right in a comical manner, acting as if they were alone. _‘Is there a lucky person we should all be jealous of?’_

 _‘Aww it’s a nice thought, Miles, and I’m sad to disappoint but I’m still on the market!’_ The host had shot back in mock horror, while the crowd was even more amped than before. Sonia could even remember some Team Yell members heckling others just for the sake of it.

_‘You’re telling me that the most desirable woman in Galar isn’t taken? No special someone?’_

_‘Not at all, Miles. There’s no one special in my life.’_ Nessa had turned to the studio camera and winked, blowing a kiss. _‘Except for you of course!’_ Sonia had immediately switched the television off, spacing out. Had that really happened? Had Nessa just blown her off in front of millions of people like she was nothing? Her actions when confronted solidified what she was feeling was true.

“I mean nothing to you? At all?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Oh right, of course, we just spend most of our time together _kissing_ on your couch over there with our hands all over each other! What a silly assumption for me to have made! It’s almost as if thinking we meant something to each other was normal.”

“It…it was normal.” Nessa set her tea cup down on the table next to Sonia’s. Both untouched. She held her head in her hands, taking her Dynamax band off in the process. “I enjoyed what we had. We can’t do it anymore though.”

“It’s been 2 years, Nessa, it’s a bit late for that. I can see it in you, you haven’t just given up those feelings you have.”

“I haven’t given them up.”

“So why are you acting so oddly? Seriously just…just help me understand what the hell is going on.” Sonia elected to sit on the arm of the couch this time instead of the seat itself. The height advantage let her see everything the gym leader was doing from the armchair; running her perfectly manicured fingers through her hair, taking as many deep breaths as she reasonably could but also tapping her foot anxiously. She was clearly torn, but on what Sonia couldn’t piece together. It was maddening.

“Rose.”

“Rose?”

“Rose was the one to set up the interview.” Nessa tried, but ultimately failed to look up to her friend’s eyes. “Well I guess he had Oleana do it for him, lazy git. His idea though.”

“And…what? He set it up for you to treat me like a thrown out pen tip?”

“Uhhh, kind of.”

“I was joking.” Sonia narrowed her eyes. “Is that seriously what this is about.”

“…Yeah. Rose was…against us being together.”

Sonia pinched the bridge of her nose as hard as she could, nails digging in to leave red crescent moons over the skin.

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You let him…bully you? You’re not the type to get pushed around, Nessa. We’ve been doing this for a while what’s got him so riled up now?”

“Look…we haven’t exactly been subtle over the years, have we?”

Sonia scoffed.

“Galar’s worst kept secret is what I heard it being called on the speculation forums. Everyone we know knows. All the other gym leaders know about what we have and they’re fine with it. Support us even! They were happy for us, said we were good for each other.”

“I know I was there for all of that you know?”

“You could have fooled me with you being so willing to just throw it all away. I mean we’ve been girlfriends in everything but name since I got my assistant position.” She raised an eyebrow. “Having second thoughts on me? Does that make all of our friends wrong?”

“No.”

“Would Gordy and Melony have put aside their differences for both our birthday parties just because we wanted them both there?”

“No.”

“Would Bea have offered to teach both of us self defence after Team Yell kept harassing us for taking the spotlight away from that girl Marnie?”

“No, Sonia.”

“Good, but your voice is saying no so why is it sounding like a yes?” Nessa uncrossed her legs, mussing her hair again.

“Because it’s going to be easier on the both of us if we just forget all that.”

“Excuse me?” Sonia couldn’t help her eye twitching at that. The nerve.

“Rose said it was bad for my image if people thought I was with someone. That I would ‘have to be seen as available for any one of your adoring fans’ to continue being the Galar region’s darling.”

“…And you believed him just like that?”

“He isn’t wrong, Sonia, that’s just it. I know exactly why I’m as popular as I am and it isn’t just because I’m the strongest water type trainer around. People…they like me for my looks, and as an idea.”

“An idea?”

“Yeah. They like to fantasise. That was the word Rose used, and he’s right. People like to imagine dating me, or being with me or doing got knows what to me. I’m not blind to it and neither is the League.”

“Me neither, and I’ve always found it disgusting honestly. You get…objectified as this weird idol on a plinth.”

“I know, I don’t like it any more than you do.” Nessa hugged her arms slightly on reflex. “You liked me for me, or something like that.”

“I still do,” Sonia pointed out, exasperated. “Are we past tense now?”

“We…have…to.”

“So Rose can flaunt you around like some Poké plush doll?”

“He pretty much told me that my sponsors had a very…particular view of me. Liked me as I was, not complicated or bogged down with other people. Available.” Sonia took a long hard look at the gym leader, taking in all the logos and designs that adorned her limited clothing.

“You’re choosing a sponsorship from instant noodles over me?” Nessa turned away slightly, not surreptitiously covering that particular design.

“I make the League a lot of money, Sonia. Rose is just protecting his investment is all. If I’m portraying an image they don’t like then they pull out and I’m nothing.”

“I can’t believe your justifying it like that.” Sonia threw her arms up, making her way around to the other side of the table. “First, the chairman of the League makes more money than Arceus ever intended to exist. Second it’s not like other gym leaders don’t have sponsors. I mean Allister has like 3 because people don’t even see him half the time! Piers doesn’t even have a proper gym!”

“That’s why there’s so much riding on me being a good little leader and stepping in line.”

“Thirdly,” Sonia continued, ignoring her. “Do you really think people will care if they know you're dating? Your fans and your popularity are just based off the fact you’re single to them and can fantasise?”

“You’re right. Or speculate about me with other leaders. Milo and I are a hot topic right now.” Another scoff.

“He’s not interested. He just wants to live a carefree life and have fun. I thought you were learning to do that too.”

“And now you’re wrong.”

“I’m not!” Sonia dried her eyes on her sleeves, finally taking a seat opposite her associate. “Like hell I am, and even if I am you’d be willing throw our relationship away for money?”

Nessa watched her list the points off on her fingers. A numbness had taken her over now. She just wanted…she didn’t know.

“I’ve built up so much around being a gym leader, it’s so much pressure to be so many things to people. If Rose were to get rid of me he could replace me like that.” She snapped her fingers to emphasise. “There’s plenty of strong trainers around. Lots of people who’d like a shot at being a leader.”

“Just…just think. Please.” Sonia leaned over and stole a glance at the tea she’d been prepared. “Rose knows how much you’re worth to him and he’s scared of losing you. You’re not replaceable at all so he’s bullying you with scare stories. He needs you, whether he admits it or not.”

“But not as I am now. I can’t afford to go back to being nobody, Sonia.” Nessa gestured around the finely adorned loungeroom.”

“You’re not a nobody. You think all of the other leaders are just going to up and stop being friends with you because you’re not one of them? If anything they almost certainly saw what you said today and were…flabbergasted! Just like me. They’re on our side. They’re more likely to stop being friends with you because you acted cold!”

“I…yeah. I guess.”

“Now that’s something. You listening to me today.” Sonia scooped up the cup and saucer and leaned back in her chair. “And you know how I know you still care, that you’re not a puppet for Rose or the sponsors?”

“…”

“Because you made my favourite tea even though I snapped at you. Dark herbal with half a sugar.” She took a sip and slowly placed the items down once more. “You’re trying to kid yourself, Nessa.”

“…I know. I just…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. If I don’t play along with his game…”

“Then you’ll still have us, and me.”

“I know, damn it I know…” Nessa held her head in hands for a second time. “Something in the way that Rose told me what I had to do was different though. You weren’t there. It was like he was a different guy, Sonia.”

“How so?”

“I…” She met the assistant's gaze and Sonia was perturbed to note she looked genuinely fearful. “He implied if I didn’t keep on being single that bad things were on the way.”

“Like what, he’d hurt me or something? Nessa, that’s crazy talk! He’s a businessman not a gangster!”

“You weren’t there,” Nessa repeated. “Money talks clearly. It was like I didn’t know him at all, just for a second. It was chilling.”

“…”

“He arranged it so quickly and just shoved me out on stage like I was a Pokémon ready to battle. I don’t know why but I believed everything he said! He was genuinely scary in an impersonal way and I…” Sonia could hear her choking up slightly but refused to open that part of her heart for now. She’d already been hurt today. “I just wanted you safe. I was an irrational idiot and of course I still have feelings for you. I didn’t just forget all the times we’ve had, both good and bad. I just…didn’t want you to still be around if things went south.”

“And you thought treating me like Wooloo dung was the way forward? That’s irrational I’ll give you that.”

“I made a mistake.”

“…You did.” Sonia picked up her teacup again and sipped a little more. “But I don’t care about that.”

“You…don’t?” Nessa straightened herself.

“Just as long as you tell me what _you_ want.” She started tapping her boot again, clearly waiting for the answer.

_Why couldn’t it have been rhetorical?_

“I…I don’t know, Sonni.” As if she’d been expecting such a remark, Sonia placed the cup down heavily.

“Until you do you don’t get to call me that, Nessy. That’s not fair on me.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She stood up from the couch, towering over the other girl. “I still love you but I’m angry with you and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while. No matter what you tell me.”

“…”

“The choice is me or the gym in your head isn’t it?”

“Yes, and I love both. I…don’t want to give up either of them. My image or who I really am.”

“And you don’t have to. If you were really so concerned that Rose is a sociopath in disguise you could have at least run what you were going to say by me or something. Finding out on television was beyond humiliating. Don’t be surprised if the other gym leaders act funny with you now.”

“They’re allowed to. I screwed up, you’re right I should have said something to you before this. Rose probably rushed me out there to stop me doing exactly that.”

“If that were the whole story I wouldn’t be so hurt.”

“…”

“When you were on stage I got the feeling what you said had some truth buried in there, am I wrong?”

“…”

“Even if you weren’t forced out there you’re still ashamed of us.”

“I can’t…”

“Gay people have equal rights, moron! We’ve had the vote for 30 years and all that.”

“Some people still look down on us. There’s a lot of traditional folks in the world still. Sponsors don’t like things which aren’t ‘normal’ either.”

“So I am just your ‘secret’ then.” Not a question. A statement. “Something to hide away with in a closet before returning to the ‘real world’.”

“…”

“If you’re continuing to let what other people think cloud your head then…Rose got what he wanted. I’m out.” The redhead made to leave. “Thank you for the tea.”

“Sonia, please.”

“No, Nessa.”

“I’m confused, okay? What got said is making me question everything! About who I am and what I want. It’s driving me crazy.” Nessa made to grab her hand on the way past but it was pulled out of reach. She didn’t attempt to get up to follow. Sonia sighed, turning before she reached the door.

“I thought I knew wanted I wanted too. Before I came over here to confront you I was so sure I knew what I was after. Now I…I don’t. Until you can be honest with yourself I can’t be with you. This is something you have to work out for yourself. Alone.”

“…” She was gone. Sonia was gone. Nessa sank further back in her armchair, at a loss.

_Why am I so useless? I pushed her away and got what I wanted but it wasn’t what I wanted at all. She’s right, the other leaders aren’t going to be happy with me after this._

Her tea was no longer warm but Nessa drank it anyway. It was only reminder of Sonia she had now and even then she could never make it was well as the redhead did. A poor imitation.

“I want my life. Both halves, the gym and her,” she said aloud. “But I can’t do it. It’s so hard being what everyone wants all the time.”

 _What do you want?_ Sonia’s voice echoed. Nessa tried to wave it away but it clung to her like a dark cloud.

“What I want hasn’t ever properly mattered. I love my gym, and modelling but it’s not the same as you. I can’t hug a pair of shoes.”

Nessa made to stand, feeling queasy. The emotional drain was already setting in so she tried to clear the cups away as fast as possible. After feeling unsteady she resolved to just dump them in the sink and leave it to be tomorrows problem

_E_ _verything is tomorrows problem._

Nessa didn’t even realise she had started to cry until a glance at her reflection in the kitchen window dragged her back to reality.

_Take a good long look at yourself and figure out what you want._

Bringing a hand up to her cheek gently, she let the flow continue over her fingers.

“I look at myself and I see tears. Tears don’t lie. I…have to make this right. Everything will be fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I have these strange ideas? My wrist is getting better for writing so clearly I need to put it to good use.  
> Chairman Rose is an interesting guy, lets just say that.
> 
> Ever since these two were first revealed I've seen fanart of the two together but hardly any fics with them. A tradgedy, just like the lack of Allister and Bea! Fear not, for I shall correct all the worlds problems. Or at least these two.
> 
> Also Miles the talkshow host is canon don't @ me


End file.
